But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

2 Co 12:9

It has really hit home in this past year, that in my own strength I am weak. I’ve slowly come to realise, that beneath the indifference, outward calmness and self-confidence, I am totally, completely, utterly afraid of failure. Before I came to know God, I was confident in my own abilities. I wanted to top my primary school, and so I did. I wanted a 99.5 ENTER score and get into med, and so I did. I wanted to break the magic 5 minute barrier for 1500m, and so I worked my butt off and did. And so in my life, I’d never experienced nor understood what it was like to fail, ever. It wasn’t even a distant thought or possibility.

Then I became Christian, and Phil 4:13 became one of my favourite verses and life went on smoothly. Until this year. I left studying in June way too late until I had basically a week to prepare for two exams. The morning of my first exam, I was definitely gonna fail if God didn’t come through for me. Needless to say, God spoke, came through for me, and the examiner told me I got full marks for one station which was worth 25% of the exam.

This semester, I told myself that it wasn’t gonna happen again, and so I started mugging 5 weeks before my exams, 3 hours a day. I was so well prepared that if it was a written paper I was confident I would get a H1. Over the course of two days, the stations (which weren’t written of course) were so amazingly easy that a 4th year medical student would’ve passed. Yet, I was so nervous, so afraid, that I messed up, shook like a leaf, didn’t read the questions properly, dropped equipment on the floor multiple times, completely blanked out, and made a complete hash of it.

After lining all my ducks in a row, I guess I basically fell apart. Once again, I had to cry out to God and say, “God if You don’t come through for me, I’ll never make it in my own strength”. I’m slowly learning now that in my weakness, His power, grace, and favour will come through. And He’s reminded me gently, that it’s His grace, not my own brains, that has gotten me through medical school and my life thus far.

God I thank You for Your grace. I thank You, that Your grace covers me in everything I do, every sin I commit, every difficulty I face. Help me realise, that it’s only when I am weak, that Your strength is made perfect. Help me learn, that it’s only in my weakness, that I’ll be able to see the blessings and miracles You want to pour out in my life. Help me remember that no matter what circumstances I face, You are before all things, and in You all things hold together. (Col 1:17)

Amen.